So here's the truth of it all... I'm starting to have a minor nervous breakdown about the upcoming hysterectomy. And I think I am entitled to feel this way. Minor may not be the right word. You see, I spent about seven hours today wailing in my bed undecided as to whether I was wailing about my pain or the fear of the surgery and more importantly, the aftermath.
I mean, I'm not scared of the surgery itself. I feel like a pro right now and to be honest with you, I am kind of looking forward to the happy gas and morphine drip after all of this pain for so many months. I know it sounds sick and it is. I mean, I am REALLY sick.
I'm freaked out by the logistics of the week of the surgery, since my parents' home will be occupied not by them, but by house sitters, as they will be away, so I have had to divvy up the week's responsibilities regarding caring for Mini and me among myriad of people, which will be hard on Mini because she doesn't do well with transition and frankly, because she doesn't really know several of the people who have stood up as real friends and are traveling up to help out by staying here for a few days at a time then switching shifts. Many friends have been nice enough to set up daytime play dates for Mini which is GOLDEN, because it will allow for her to have FUN with her besties and for me to sleep, while my caregivers twiddle their thumbs and deal with my needy dogs.
But back to the breakdown I had today, it was awful. And it went on all day. To begin with, my assistant has been sick yesterday and today which is fine, we are all allowed to be sick, don't I know it. But today, it meant Mini had to be late for school because Hoovie had to go to the dentist at 8, so she didn't get picked up until 9. In the meantime, my car was towed away because the other day I was driving it and it wouldn't go over 5 MPH and I got a message saying "REDUCED ENGINE PERFORMANCE". Yeah, no shit. I was lucky to get it home. So the car got towed, Mini went to school and I got in bed and waited for a 10:00a.m. interview with The Hippo, a newspaper out of Manchester, NH with a 206,000 non-repeat readership. So that rocks. And the interview went well, I think. I looked forward to that because then the rest of the day I could go to bed.
Go to bed. Yeah right. When I tell you that the phone rang all day and the door bell rang all day, I mean it was ALL DAY. I seriously almost lost my mind. Around 11:30, just at the beginning of it all I started crying. I just wanted to go to sleep after my third night of 4 hours of sleep. My clock is turn upside down again. I've left a message with Dr. Jemsek about that. Not good.
So all of this noise, and you know how sounds sensitive I am, was driving me nuts and every time I was just about to fall asleep something would ring or knock or beep. Of course I could have turn off the phone, but I was waiting for Dr. Jemsek to call me back so I had to leave it on. And as I cried, I started to think about the surgery and all it entails. Menopause. OMG. I am just about to be 39. The sweats, well that is OK because I am used to that from Babesia. But I read something about hair falling out after a hysterectomy and I lost my mind. Gaining weight. Vaginal dryness (fine that can be remedied). And of course I am going to use bio-identical hormones, but I will have to get tested all of the time to see if my testosterone, progesterone, and estrogen levels are right and you know, I am just generally freaking out.
I suppose it's normal to second guess this kind of thing before it happens and thankfully I have my pre op on Thursday so I can weep with my GYN and ask her all of these questions. I suppose it would be more concerning if I went in with a bugle and some pompoms singing "Ode to Take It All Out", but still, I'm freaking out. And everything hurts on top of it. I am on multiple pain killers and the only one that seems to touch the pain is the narcotic that I try to stay away from unless I really need it, but I suppose tonight is one of those nights and honestly I probably should have just taken it after the interview this morning.
I have cried so much today that honestly, I wonder if I didn't have Mini if I would have survived the day. It's been THAT bad. I'm OK, but it's because I love my daughter. And that's the reality of Lyme. It may be tough to read, but it's true. Lyme is a seemingly never-ending physically, emotionally and mentally painful pit of misery and it feels like every time my dirty nails have scraped their way halfway to the top I fall down again. So am I OK? NO. But do you need to be concerned? NO. And you can thank Mini for that. And you can cry with me because today it just is THAT bad.
Man. Talk about a rough day. I've had my uterus out 10 years ago at 34- and then had complications that caused the ovaries to go 6 month later. And then had complications that required more reconstructive surgery. It's a big emotional decision, but the initial hysterectomy wasn't so terrible. Even with all the trouble I've had, I would say that you are going the right way. I should have gone to the big city hospital and used a different doctor -but you're doing all that. When something is fixable, fix it! So much in life isn't fixable. Hugs heading your way - wish I was closer and could help.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to carry on, it's amazing the strength we can pull somehow, the crying, wow full grown 44 year old man and I do plenty of that now too, a little less just lately, my rollercoaster changes from day to day, you get lucky and have a few good days, or adjust your diet a little here and their, it helps to let it out, I take whatever I can get for a little relief. I cry in my car before and/or after doctors appointments, in the mornings to my girlfriend, I'm an emotional wreck, back and forth, up and down, possibly bipolar I think too ;), darnit. I see the occasional spelling error in your blog, reminds me of my writing, and I'm getting a little dyslexic in certain ways, can't remember simple things that go together in twos, or double consanants in any words, yes I forget easily what I was thinking/saying moments ago. This is good your blogging, sharing, caring. I should have one too, but I've been spending so much time researching lately. I am actually undiagnosed, but today my blood went out to Igenex for the 6050 test, I had to almost threaten a PCP about a survey they sent me, like that I would survey him good, just sign the form, he signed the form, they would not go beyond the antibody test, they refused to draw the blood, I had to go to Centura and pay $50 to get my blood drawn. Actually, I hope it comes back negative. I will post back if I can remember, that's the whole thing, if I could just remember.
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