The Unexpected Unexpected - A Session in Babbling

It's horrendous that I have not written in nearly a month, but to be honest, I just haven't had much to say. I've been tired. My brain is just tired to the core. SHARING what's going on is exhausting to the core. The core of my core is...exhausted.

The healing from the hysterectomy, while physically painless, was actually pretty brutal. The combination of the Lyme treatment and expelling the anesthesia from my body (which will take a few months) is just a lot for my body to handle. I have spent much of the past month in my blackened bedroom while my daughter has been in school, going straight back to bed when she has gone to bed. It's been very depressing.

That said, I thought I had made some real strides in that my thinking is MUCH clearer, my hormones more steady, and my mood more... gentle, I think is the word. I think I have been more peaceful. The new epileptic medication we added during the last treatment protocol seems to have helped me immensely. I think beyond the obvious symptoms it has alleviated, my sneezing seizures, it must have somehow balanced my thalamus.

Yesterday I had my first in person appointment with Dr. Jemsek since my hysterectomy. He was sure to have a phone consult soon after my surgery to check in and make a gentle bridge protocol to ease me back into full on Lyme treatment. Again, we went after the Babesia. After this visit, we are again, hopefully for the last time, really going to blast the hell out of Babesia, while going for the Bartonella at the same time. This is going to be a tough going twelve weeks.

I don't really need to get into treatment details other than to say that this was a frustrating appointment for me because I was pretty sure he was going to say "YAY! Hysterectomy! Now we can downsize your pill load"... yeah, not so much. It's just very overwhelming - all of it. If I weren't being treated by him I think I would just collapse in a sea of tears, but I know I am in such good hands that I just take my deep breaths, regroup, and soldier on. Because that is what I do. I do as I am told, when I am told, how I am told. I don't play with dosages and new medications and alternative treatments WHILE in treatment (although I am ALL FOR trying alternative treatments), because I have chosen to follow THIS path and I will not do anything to jeopardize it. If and when I want to make changes, I email him, ask him if I can make the change and receive and answer yes or no with an explanation as to why, which has always pacified my need to maintain some control over my treatment.

Yesterday there was a young man and his family who were checking out and they were holding the office copy of my book. "What did you think of it?" I asked the kid. "Well, I only got through the third or fourth chapter but I definitely want to read it. The mom said, "she has a great sense of humor. We'll buy this when we get home" I then introduced myself and said, "I am the author. If you order from my website I would be happy to sign one for you."

The kid kind of beamed and started asking me all kinds of questions. Did I feel better? How long did it take for me to be on IVs? Would he be able to attend college in the fall? Poor kid. All I could think was, God I hope you are stronger than I am because while I have had some GREAT months, I am in a pit right now. Kind of like The Silence of the Lambs - "It puts the lotion on the skin..." I will get out though.

So, it's for sure now, Mini needs to go to camp so she can enjoy our beautiful summer town and lake. She will have a blast there and the kind of good time that I, once again, cannot provide her on my own. It's just a day camp for 5-12 year olds and she'll have friends there, so I know she will love it. This is a child who NEEDS to be with other kids. She NEEDS to be very active all the time.

So, I am going to sign her up and go for it. Hopefully by my next appointment in July I will get some great news and be able to start to turn a corner. But JULY SOUNDS SO FAR AWAY. I haven't even really gotten into WHY this has all happened, but it's 4a.m. and I am just babbling on. Maybe once I sort things out in my head and get some sleep I will write it all out for you. In the meantime, I have a lot of prescriptions to fill and a cruise to take my daughter on before I begin this next chapter of my journey.