Wake Me Up When It's Over

There are things in life that go smoothly, without a hitch. Then there is my life. I am really having a hard time emotionally right now for so many reasons I cannot even go into them all.  I have been having real panic attacks lately, that don't seem to completely go away even with Ativan or Xanax. Believe me, I have gone the natural calming root and at this point in my infection, I use natural supplements as a compliment to my western medicine approach.

My stomach has been very nervous now for a couple of days and it is getting worse. I am feeling insecure and am crying A LOT, especially at night. Sometimes I find it hard to even get through a conversation without the tears flowing. I am stressed.

I wonder if it has to do with the sudden change in weather. It's extremely cold now and tomorrow we are supposed to shift back into the 80's and 90's for a few days. The weather beats my body up and I get very anxious and deal with a lot of pain when this happens. I have no real pain to speak of right now, besides a completely locked jaw, but I know it will be back with the hot and humid weather which is to come.

My new assistant is working out well. I can relate to her on a different level because we are the same age and some of the personal stuff I am going through I can really sit and talk to her about and realize that I am not alone in my struggles, that these things happen to us all at some point in our lives, especially when things tend to work out in the long run. But it's hard and the pressure is on for the conference which I leave for on Thursday. I am being driven down by a driver and brought home by my sister.

I miss the days when I could hop in my car and go where I wanted, when I wanted. I hate having to coordinate my life around other people's schedules and feel like a burden. I just hope the conference rooms are not as freezing as they tend to be, but I am going armed with warm clothes this time, really warm clothes and maybe a blanket.

I am stressed about going away. Stressed about being in Providence, where I grew up, and stressed about meeting a friend I have not seen in a while. And my stomach is in knots. I hate the way I feel right now. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when it's over.